Hey people -
Mainly I am just typing this out for myself, and I really don't care if no one in the world reads this but this is what I have found out over the last few days.
First off I will start off with a few quotes that I have said over the last few days, that are directly linked to my life and what is happening right now.
"I never knew how powerful words were until I started listening to Phil Collin's stuff. From that moment on, life was changed. Whether it was for better or for worse.... That's a different story." - me
"I fell so deeply in love with this person, and the whole time I kept trying to convince myself that I needed to change something. But when everything was brought to the table, I found out that I don't want to change a thing about you, no matter how hard I try. You are the one I want to love, because your soul is beautiful, and everything make sense when we are together. That's why it hurts so much to think that it could all be over in an instant, due to fear." - me
"Love isn't an emotion, it's an ability." -dan in real life.
"Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody told you it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary kid, not a care in the world... somebody lied." -SPIDERMAN
"When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you." - avril lavigne
"Smile, because when the tears start to fall, you will look twice as beautiful, and he will fall in love with you all over again." - me
"Sitting in the rain in the middle of a field may not have been the best idea to heal a broken heart, but heck, if nothing else, I can say that I at least had an experience painful enough to put me in that moment." -me
"Ya know, I'm on the edge of reality, and wanting fiction to jump in and say everything is okay, when in reality, its just not okay at all." -me
" Why is it that the HARDEST things to see (bears, cd's pictures, hearts) during a break up, are most times, the loftiest to throw across the room?" -me
"I may not be your girl, I may not even be your friend. But I will love you unconditionally for the rest of my life, because that is who I am. I am a lover, not a fighter. And maybe that is all I will ever be, but I wouldn't trade it for the world, because it brings me to people like you." - me
These are quotes that I have even said or referred to for confort, sense, understanding.
I have realized that love is so hard.I couldn't understand why people were so shocked that I was in a long distance relationship to begin with. Now I know... it's so hard. But at the same time I figured out why. I had no idea what the heck I was doing, and maybe that is why I have taken the step back so hard. I knew I loved him, but I didn't know why. I found that if you sit in the middle of a rain storm, on a soccer field and force yourself to think about it and get personal, you realize what a complete idiot you are and how badly you want it to work. My relationship went from almost important to red light special important in 15 minutes of freezing rain. Maybe I woke up. He is who I want to be with and I say me so many times a day that I forget that he is a part of this too. What ever I feel, he has most likely felt. And though I am angry at the situation, I could never be mad at him. I love him with my whole heart, which is why I am letting him do this. I figure that I would risk my happiness for him, because he means the world. He wants to be low key, and I don't know what that means. But according to the barrage of emails that have been sent to me concerning status changes and what not, I think its pretty low key now. Pretty much, everything stopped. I stopped breathing and started feeling. Something I have been running from for a long time. For the first time since high school, I feel human, I feel vunerable. And most of all, I don't know where to turn, it's like everything seems...out of place. Things that seemed so important to me yesterday, don't seem important at all anymore. I figured out that I wanted to change something, but I thought it was him, but in reality, it was myself. I woke up this morning and took a good look in the mirror and realized I am human and I actually feel heartache. It's a weird feeling, nothing has hurt me like this in a very, very long time. Maybe I am growing and changing. But I realized I don't want us to change, I want us to be stronger because of this. This cause is what is worth fighting for. So 2 days ago I woke and wanted to run away from what was important. Now I want to face it. So here I am, and the one thing that I want him to know, if anything.... Is I am not leaving, not for a second, I am always beside you, supporting you. Loving you, even if its a one way street and all we can ever be is friends. Call me crazy, call me stupid, but my heart is yours and completely yours, no matter what happens. And yeah, the future is scary and I have MAJOR fears, but I am willing to face them, because you are the most important thing in my life. Just know that. And if I am being strong enough to write this to you, (and you know who you are) then I can stay in it for the long haul. I trust you.
From the insighted mind and heart of....
Jessica
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